That's a lot of twists in the road.

I came into my senior year with low expectations  High anxiety and excitement  I didn't think of it to be much. I was scared because this is my last year of my free life. I am growing up and that scares me. SO MUCH. But its time I move on from my little kid life. I have been through more these last three years then I am willing to admit  And I have given up on everything. At times I have lost all interest in my life and just wanted to stay in my bed. And not move. There have been many times where my limits have been pushed. Where I have been hanging from a cliff begging for someone to help me back onto solid ground. There have been moments when I gave up on my friends, my family in myself and in god. When I honestly believed none of it mattered. I never want to go back to those feelings. I hated so much. I hated people. I hated myself and I thought the world was out to get me. I have been helped by many but non have been able to fix me. Then today happened. A day I have been dreading for a couple days. I lose faith in people easily and don't ever expect them to stay. Not many have ever stayed. A few have, yes. But not many. Some people have walked out of my life recently and I felt empty. Because they were people I never wanted to see walk away. So when I saw them for the first time in awhile.....I lost everything, and I broke apart. Then to see people your close to be sad and know you can't fix it is a feeling you never want to have. So I had that pilled on me...along with the thought of how much my life is going to change in 3 months and I didn't know what I was going to do. I still don't. Where am I going to go? And what am I going to do? I don't know. 

Tonight was my breaking point. I cry a lot I will admit,  but today just felt wrong. 

Then I saw Chase McCubbins. Now as a lot of you know this kid is nothing but pure at heart and one of the most amazing kids you will ever meet. He is someone that knows what you need, and how to make your day better. He is already a true missionary. I call him West lakes Missionary of course. (You will see why I am bringing him up later)

A few hours ago I was sitting at my computer crying. And I didn't feel good inside. Then I remember a band me and Ben were talking about and I remembered how long its been since I have listened to them. Augustana. I pulled up the song "Fire" and gave it a listen. The second the words were said I started to cry harder. But they weren't tears of sadness. Tears of reassurance. I felt emotion no band has ever been able to give to me. I felt my negativity leave me, and I started to calm down.

 Minutes later. I got something that I have been needing to hear for a long time. My friend Tayler sent me a long page text message reminding me how good our friendship really is. And she reminded me that no matter what she is there. When you feel like people are constantly leaving its good to know that someone isn't. 

I feel like this day has been turning more and more into the right direction. 

This is where Chase comes in. I know if I need something I can go to him. And he is there. He sent me a message reminding me how much my Heavenly Father loves me. And how I am a daughter of god. I haven't felt the spirit in almost a year. But tonight I felt heavenly father right by my side. And so the affect of that was me crying more. Hahahaha but of course not in a bad way. I cant express my gratitude to him. Because to have the feeling of heavenly father right by you is describable. Especially when you are at your lowest. 

Tonight I found my band. My band that connects to me and makes me feel. Tonight I was reminded that I have my best friend there. Tonight I found my path to heavenly father. And tonight I lost all hatred for anything I ever had, except for when people don't signal. That still bothers me:)

I am challenging myself to a few things:

• 1. Be more positive.
• 2. Find one good thing in every bad situation that comes you way.
• 3. Say one compliment to at least 5 people you talk too each day. Especially one's you don't normally like. You can say it to them or just think it in your head.
• 4. Smile.
• 5. Pray more.
• 6. Stop swearing.
• 7. Live a more healthy lifestyle. (eat better, exercise)
• 8. Compliment yourself every morning.
• 9. Read at least one scripture every night.
• 10. Have faith.

**I challenge you to any of these that you lack in! It would mean a lot to me if you would try them for at least 2 weeks and tell me how it has changed or helped you in any way! (Put a comment below or simply email me!) And if you have any positive out comes then keep it up!!!**

Also listen to music because as I have been saying all night, "People can't fix you but music can." it makes my life a lot easier, and helped me in many many ways. Especially Augustana ;)

Thank you so much everyone who has been there for me in the darkest times. And thank you especially those who have been there today. I love you all sooooo much and thank you Heavenly Father for being there even when I was in doubt. Oh and thanks to Kels and Mom for bringing me doughnuts to make me happy!!! I love you all thanks for reading!

AND DON'T FORGET TO CHALLENGE YOURSELF!!!

Be True

Be You

Be Beautiful

Oh and good job to my school West Lake for trying to be a better school! Keep it up guys we will be a better student body soon enough!!!

 Also please pray for my friends dad to have a fast and good recovery he got in a bad accident and he needs all the prayers he can get!!! Thank you so much!!!
There is a HUGE bake sale going on to help them out: Please check it out!
(Link below)
***** BAKE SALE *****

Song of the day:

Picture of the day: (Thanks to Chase it is now my phone background!)

Oh hey and guess what! I saw Chandi today at smiths! AND tomorrow me and Ben are going album shopping! Yay:)

Wreck it; High school living and teenage singing

How can ONE person make such a big impact on you.

I have never been able to fully understand that. We are all the fake-st living things that god has ever created. And we find it hard to find something, anything real in this life. I never will understand why it is this way. I don't see why one person has the need or desire to hurt another person, or lie, or make something fall down. I have never understood a humans desire to see pain in someone else's eyes. Because not only do other people screw us up but lets face it we screw ourselves over too. We usually are smart enough to take ourselves out of painful situations yet we don't. Its like the abuse is addicting? I just noiuehfoiewfwnfwjr3208ryu2hoa!!!!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
But. Anyway.

My two biggest pet peeves are

1.) When someone will lie, or sugar coat something because they want to spare you the pain. 

OR

2.) When someone judges you before they get to know you.

I am a person. And I deserve a chance to show someone what I am capable of being. 

When someone hates me for no reason, all that does is make me want to lock what I really am deep inside. So that no one can really see the person that I am. Because if they hate the "fake" me then why would they like the "real" me? Kind of teenage like, but its hard to live past someones "thoughts" of you.

High school is so full of crap.

Because this is when you experience this the most. Everyday people walk around in a different skin hoping to live up to someone else's expectations of them. Its kinda like that really gross thing in supernatural that just changes their identity. Shape shifter! That's what it was. Anyways, that's basically what I feel like we are. We never actually are pure to our OWN person. We kinda cheat our way through life. Never putting ourselves out there because we are too scared of rejection, and pain. Which sucks because no one should ever make us feel like we can't be what we really are. I have always had problems accepting myself for everything I am because I haven't had much of a chance to actually show people what I am. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I have been at war with my own mind because of people constantly pushing me back in. I hate the feeling knowing that I haven't been good enough not just for someone else but for myself. Sometimes I want to put someone in my shoes...and myself in theirs. Just so I could get a better understanding of a person. 

Sorry.

I have a lot rambling in my mind.

All I know is high school life is hard and we all are teenagers singing the same song but we cant seem to harmonize.

Kay.

I am done rambling on.

Goodbye my fellow readers

I love you all!

Be True

Be You

Be Beautiful

Picture of the day:

Song of the day:

 Oh yeah. And I hate how cold it is.

Oh and I hate how I dont have my new camera yet.

Or how I am behind on credits.

Or how people suck.

Or how I never have enough food.

Or how I am going on and on about nothing.

Oh and I need new clothes.

Kay I am done for real this time.

Bye.

 Twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder what you are.

Rant

I cant explain it. This feeling I have. School has been crazy. And life has been running way too fast for me. I don't think I can remember the last time I actually felt like I could just relax. I don't know how to LIVE anymore. Honest and truly I don't know what to DO anymore. Its like I never get the chance to breathe when everything keeps getting shoved down my throat. Its almost graduation and its freaking me out. I feel like I am about to die or something when I know im not. I honestly have no idea what life is going to bring me after high school. I have been in the same routine since I was a little kid. Always gotten up at the same time, gotten ready for the same things. Everything has been on repeat. But now its like im playing a whole new song. I am freaking out too! School hasn't ever been my best subject in life. In fact im behind on graduation. (not so fun) That's part of whats bringing me down. Its a constant battle with my inner self trying to convince myself that im not a total failure and that I can do it.  School sucks and I hate it. The end to that rant.

Sometimes

Sometimes things happen and you don't know why. You don't want them too. You don't get why they did. You question everything. And after all the thinking and over analyzing and criticizing your suddenly drawing blanks. You suddenly are numb. I am numb. I am scared. I am alone. And I don't know why. All I know is that I want to run away. So terribly far away till I know nothing except my name. Till I have nothing except a bag, myself, my camera and god. I want to do something so crazy that I wont even have time for 20 seconds of insane courage. Something that has to happen right then and there. I am now in the point of my life where I don't believe anything anyone says. I don't trust anyone. I just love them but don't let them love me. Because I wont be staying long. I think when I lost "you". I did lose part of me. But I also gained a new me.
But that doesn't make me sad. That makes me excited to see what I have to find. I mean I am terrified everyday that I wake because I don't know what the day holds for me. But that fear is what keeps me going. That fear is what reminds me that I have to keep going in order to discover new things. I am so scared of being alone but I think its time that I learn how to do it. I have depended too much on people and now I am just going to depend on me and heavenly father. I know that I am not perfect and that I am certainly more to handle then most people. But I need to find people who will accept that. Because I am already broken and I don't need people breaking me even more. This is me, trying to make a better me. I just hope that people can accept that. Sorry for ranting. I'm done now.

K bye.

Be True

Be You

Be Beautiful

Stuff:

Haaaa wow I just realized how awkwardly bipolar these pictures are...blaahh oh well I liked em.

Oh...and my break was SUPER awesome...except minus a few things that I could of lived without. But besides those....IT ROCKED. WAAAAAHHOOOOOO.

Miss me

Hiding the feelings is easier then letting them out.

There have so many times where I have just wanted to scream at people, because they don't listen long enough for me to tell them how I feel. Because they push me in the back of the crowd.

I know i'm not perfect.

I know i'm crazy, hyper, loud, obnoxious and annoying.

I know i'm a lot to handle.

I know.

But I would prefer it if people would just tell me they have a problem, if people would just tell me how they feel instead of pushing me away.

Because when you push me away, It just makes me feel like I wasn't even worth the time in the first place.

I know I complain a lot. I know I get hurt easily so sometimes i'm sad. But doesn't that mean you should just be there?

I just cant handle the idea that someone would much rather get rid of a person then try and help them.

I apologize for the fact that i'm a broken mess. That I am so insecure that I myself don't even know who I am.

So if I don't know who I am. Please don't try and say you do.

All I ask is that for once in my life. Someone would stay around longer then a couple months. That someone would think I am worth....anything. 

I guess just remember that once i'm gone.

I'm gone.

So one day when you finally decide you miss me.

I wont be there.

Be True

Be You

Be Beautiful

The Copy Demons

I cant stop.

 I cant stop being what I am. And I cant stop growing into what I will become. You can try and hold me back. And you can try to hold me down. But deep down everything will remain the same. I will be me. 

And only me. 

I am Jade Waters May. And I am very incomplete. I am growing. And I am learning. 

People like to talk, like to guess, like to pretend they know everything about me. But do you?

• I am Jade
• My middle name is after the lead singer of Pink Floyd Roger Waters
• My favorite color is Teal and Green
• I like Vintage
• I love photography
• I am scared of the dark unless I have someone with me, and even then I freak out a bit
• I hate texting but love phone calls
• I have made so many mistakes that I will never fully forgive myself for
• I want to be a Marine Scientist
• I am a romantic
• I like cheesy things
• I love Flowers and animals 
• I like crazy mis-matched things
• Crazy prints are my best friend
• I am loud and crazy
• I love brussel sprouts....and asparagus
• I LOVE BACON
• People say I am young and I don't know what love is. But I do. 
• I love my Heavenly Father
• My family is freaking great
• I have great friends
• And a great boy in my life
• I hate to be mean but I have no problem stating how things are
• My life has been hard, but I have learned from it
• My best friend in the whole world is my mom
• I cant cry in front of people, I can barely cry alone. So if I am sad I show anger.
• I believe in fairy tales, mermaids, and anything that's in the story books. This world is too dull to think otherwise.
• I am very self conscious
• I hate sitting still
• I hate being serious
• I put up a wall in front of myself to make it seem like I don't care but I do
• I give people advice that I will never use for myself
• I hate broken promises. In any way shape or form
• I am self centered to a certain point, but I still care for everyone else. I just think that sometimes you have to put yourself first in order to survive
• I don't let my mistakes go until AFTER they have eaten my soul into nothing, then I try to rebuild
• I am bossy a lot
• My favorite candy is pezzzzzz and cow tales
• I love love love Dr. pepper and cranberry-pomegranate juice
• I love to go on long drives, talk and look at the stars
• Camping? The Bomb.
• Ugly sweaters are the best clothing option
• I cant stand being the center of attention. Being put on the spot is the worst thing ever. Especially in front of a lot of people.
• I can not. Handle. Being embarrassed in front of people. Anything to make me feel like I have failed in any way in front of people is something that I can't do.
• I love to sing and PRETEND I can write music
• I wish so badly that I could play the piano
• I want to be married and grow old with the love of my life
• I get scared SUPER easily
• I cry in movies
• I get jealous very vverryy easily
• Sometimes I point out my flaws and things I don't like about myself because it gets hard for me to hold it in.
• Hugs are one of the best medicines for a sad soul
• My favorite movie is Moulin Rouge 
• And I love to eat

All these things are just a few that make who I am. You can tell me what YOU think I am. But I will know its wrong. People walk this earth trying to be everything they aren't. They hold themselves together after people rip them down. They tape a smile on their faces trying to cover up the frown that's been glued on by someone else. They cover themselves up with a new body, a new personality, and a book of lies. All because every OTHER person just like them. Makes them feel this way. I will never understand why another person has the need to make someone else feel lower then them just so they can be happy. We are all the same, in so many ways. We are all connected and instead of trying to help one another live. We try to make one another die. But why? Why this need for us to feel better then someone else? I wont sit here and pretend that sometimes the copy demons don't get a hold of me. There are days that I do wish to be someone else just to be noticed. But guess what. I will never be someone else. And neither will you. So instead of trying to make yourself something your not. Instead of trying to improve another person and trying to make a new them. Just improve the soul that's already there. Just make you the best you want to be. I have already challenged myself this year and all the following years to stop. To stop caring what others think. To stop trying to make myself a copy of someone else. Because I am me. Simply me. And you are simply you. And if anyone has a problem with it then they don't deserve to be in your life. Now I could ramble on for evverrr and ever about this stuff. But I wont. I will just simply challenge you to do the same I did. Love you. Love everyone else. And don't let the copy demons get a hold of you. Because our world is full enough of people trying to live someone else's life. 

Thanks for listening to the awkward rant of this little girl

I love you all

Your fabulous and amazing and perfeecttt and I love you

If you would like to hear anything on my blog...well...comment...OR email me! Its in the top left corner under my awkward photo:)

Be True

Be You

Be Beautiful

And don't let yourself die a copy when you were made a original.

Song of the day:

Do it for you

You know those moments when you feel totally and completely unimportant?
Ya I've been feeling a lot like that lately.
I feel ignored.
Like I'm not worth anyone's time.
People tell me I need to stand up for myself and not make everyone think it's okay to push me around. But the problem with that is even when I do stand up for myself no body cares. They do of course at that moment because it's pity, but I dont want pity. I want honesty. I want friends, real friends.
Everyday I try to make an effort to get noticed by this ONE group of friends...I try and talk and I get ignored. And they know it. It happens so often that they call it a "jade moment." I laugh at it because in a way it's funny. But in truth I'm kinda hurt by it because people , people that are my friends dont care.
Then when I finally stand up for myself.
Everyone calls me dramatic, or dumb, or annoying... How do they expect me to have any confidence and courage If all they do is go against their own advice?
It's get me no where.
It's get them no where.
And it gets our friendship no where.

If you feel like you dont matter, If you feel small and insignificant, then stand up for yourself. And if your like me where no matter what you do nothing changes? Then find better friends. People who do care. People who make you happy.
Don't make someone your priority if all you are to them is a option.

You matter.
Everyone matters.
Find people who make you happy a who you trust. People you know you can count on no mater what comes into the picture.
YOU deserve to be happy and you deserve the best. Dont spend your life trying to make other people happy, make yourself happy.
I believe in you.

Take a stand
And be true
Be you
And you will always be beautiful
I love you all

Story telling

You know when a song on the radio is over played so much that you start to hate it?

At first you like it, It's new and exciting and then you hear it so much you hate it.

Sound familiar?

Its like drama. Or rumors.

We all get excited hearing something new. WE flock to it. With out even meaning to half the time. But then you become so sick of hearing the same stuff all the time that you then start to hate it, and the people who started it or were involved in it.

Then why do it you ask? Because it's like without it the human race can't survive.

We are drama, crazy hormonal driven people.

We feed off of that anger or happiness that comes from it. It's like a drug.

You know its bad and you want to stop. But you cant.

And soon it becomes almost just as bad as a drug.

Think about it.

Have you ever heard a rumor and been tempted (or have with out meaning to) tell another person about it?

Bet you have.

That there is you trying it

Once you start you cant stop.

Unless your one of those kids who stops drama or rumors, "Because I don't believe in it and i never will spread it blah blah blah."

Ya that's a lie.

We all have. And sadly as much as you want to deny it you at one point in your life you have been a dramatic person, you too have tried the drug. You too have at least a small addiction inside of you.

Sadly without that addiction its like the human race cant survive.

We could never be as exciting, crazy weird or insane.

We would be boring and all the same.

We have to have those insane emotional up and downs in our lives, we need to learn our lessons from them.

Crazy but so true.

So here is the test

Still live your life the way you have been (or better)

And spread things.

SPREAD IT ALL AROUND!!

But not rumors.

Not drama.

Not the BAD drug.

Spread stories

Non of that, "she is a whore" or "he got a girl pregnant"

non of that

I am talking about good stories, stories of your life and what you have learned, something that can help another person out.

I know there is a way to keep this addiction that we can't seem to live without.

We can still have our ups and downs...

But I know we can do it in more of a respectful way

so

stop bullying

start story telling

P.s Watch the movie cyber bully.

It's insane.

Thanks so much for reading you babes!

Love you all.

Post a comment, or follow me.

La la la LOVE you!

Bye!!

Be true.

Be you.

Be beautiful. 

Quotes of the day:

"You are who you choose to be."

"If you see someone without a smile, give them yours."

Songs of the day:

The winter stages

And that's that.

One little thing ruins your whole day.

And nothing of the expected either.

My life has consisted of the usual cycle once winter hits:

STAGE ONE

You start to become annoyed easily, everyone that opens their mouth in your general direction you become angered with and start having thoughts of hitting them....then you realize you are insane and put on a fake smile but still add a few bratty comments into the conversation.

STAGE TWO

You start to feel sad every second of the day even if you know your having a good time. You think about your crazy insane past that you know you should never bring up. And then you eat. And then you hear some crazy rumor about you that not even you knew about.

STAGE THREE

You feel like the whole world is against you and you trust no one. And then you listen to sad songs and become lonely.

STAGE FOUR

Your sick as heck and you miss a ton of school and fail. Then that explains all the previous stages in this cycle. Why? Because your moody and you have lot's of un-needed time to "heal" so you start to think...about crap. Sucks I know.

 

STAGE FIVE

You become angry about everything that you have held inside and you blow up, listen to some crazy good songs and suddenly become inspired to make a change in your life.

Unfortunately....

Stage five will only last a little while.....

Because then you realize all this isn't just suddenly happening! You realize this is weeks of denial and anger that you have been building up. That you have covered so well that not even yourself has noticed the problem occurring inside of you. Then you realize that you have to dig deep inside of the fake laughs and smiles get into the soul of yourself so you dig

and dig

and dig

and dig

dig

dig

dig

dig

and then

JACK POT

you have hit gold

Reasoning of my deep sadness?

YOU

you

you

you

AND YOU

This boy has held my heart for some months now and I cant accept the fact that I cant have him. SO I set out on the adventure to find a boy to love only to realize that I don't want any of them until I move on from the last boy. And I wouldn't be saying that I don't want them.....I would love to, its more like my heart isn't letting me love another boy cause I have my mind so hopelessly wrapped around this other fella. And also because my heart has been hurt so badly its too scared to let anyone in.

SO I challenge myself.....STOP talking to other boy so much....get over him...and finally be happy and let myself love another boy. And try to tell myself that not every boy is going to do what the last one did.

ADVENTURE TIME

As I set out on this crazy love extravaganza I meet some crazy amazing boys....who...are too amazing for me......AND THEN I meet some not so amazing boys....who don't really care to know who I am......AT the end of the day this adventure tires me out and I get discouraged.

The new day starts and the whole process happens again, But what was so different about this day? I opened my eyes and realized....I have to stop looking....because when the right young man comes...then he will come. And I have to not be so afraid to push him out, Come on Jade...you have to stop pushing them all away!

So tomorrow? Get to know some new people....and just be happy. When the time comes for you to love someone, then It will come. And it will come when you need it most. 

So lesson of this huge rant?

Just stay strong, keep calm and carry on.

Your heart is saving you for someone special.

Just don't be so closed as to loose your chance with that special someone.

Your heart knows what its doing, so give it a chance to do its job.

Well lovelies you are amazing.

thank you so much as to spend some time of your life reading my blog.

If you haven't done so go click that little button at the top that says "follow"

I love you all dearly.

Be true.

Be you.

Be beautiful.

Songs of the day:

Listen to the lyrics of my broken heart

To be honest.
I give advice but don't listen to it.





I am terrified of love.
I was hurt more then anyone can understand from the last boy.
I don't tell a boy I like them because honestly I don't think my heart can take the rejection.

I get interested in a kid...and suddenly back out. I fear everything now.

I fear the end and I want the beginning.
I want to have that rush I had very few times.
I want to know he cares too....

I try and try and TRY, but it honestly doesn't work.
Yes Jade waters may the girl who always says don't give up!!

Is giving up.

I want to believe. But its hard.

And I am not trying to be dramatic about this but honestly...I am tired of being the strong super happy one. I am at my breaking point.

Every girl out there crying about a boy.....you deserve to be happy....and if your at your breaking point...honey scream to the world everything your feeling because there is no point in holding it all in.

I will listen to myself if you listen to me too....

If you love him....tell him.
If your done with the pain...keep holding and find the thing that makes you happy.
Don't let the world run you, you run the world.

And if you change nothing then nothing will change.

Unfortunately another thing holding me back is I am completely in love with a boy I cant have.....
and have been since I met him.....

sometimes I hate being a girl....only sometimes.

I am done going on this sad rant...

goodbye guys
love you all
be happy
and if your not
pretend
until you explode like me
thanks so much for reading

stay strong
be true
be beautiful
be you

song of the day: