That's a lot of twists in the road.

I came into my senior year with low expectations  High anxiety and excitement  I didn't think of it to be much. I was scared because this is my last year of my free life. I am growing up and that scares me. SO MUCH. But its time I move on from my little kid life. I have been through more these last three years then I am willing to admit  And I have given up on everything. At times I have lost all interest in my life and just wanted to stay in my bed. And not move. There have been many times where my limits have been pushed. Where I have been hanging from a cliff begging for someone to help me back onto solid ground. There have been moments when I gave up on my friends, my family in myself and in god. When I honestly believed none of it mattered. I never want to go back to those feelings. I hated so much. I hated people. I hated myself and I thought the world was out to get me. I have been helped by many but non have been able to fix me. Then today happened. A day I have been dreading for a couple days. I lose faith in people easily and don't ever expect them to stay. Not many have ever stayed. A few have, yes. But not many. Some people have walked out of my life recently and I felt empty. Because they were people I never wanted to see walk away. So when I saw them for the first time in awhile.....I lost everything, and I broke apart. Then to see people your close to be sad and know you can't fix it is a feeling you never want to have. So I had that pilled on me...along with the thought of how much my life is going to change in 3 months and I didn't know what I was going to do. I still don't. Where am I going to go? And what am I going to do? I don't know. 

Tonight was my breaking point. I cry a lot I will admit,  but today just felt wrong. 

Then I saw Chase McCubbins. Now as a lot of you know this kid is nothing but pure at heart and one of the most amazing kids you will ever meet. He is someone that knows what you need, and how to make your day better. He is already a true missionary. I call him West lakes Missionary of course. (You will see why I am bringing him up later)

A few hours ago I was sitting at my computer crying. And I didn't feel good inside. Then I remember a band me and Ben were talking about and I remembered how long its been since I have listened to them. Augustana. I pulled up the song "Fire" and gave it a listen. The second the words were said I started to cry harder. But they weren't tears of sadness. Tears of reassurance. I felt emotion no band has ever been able to give to me. I felt my negativity leave me, and I started to calm down.

 Minutes later. I got something that I have been needing to hear for a long time. My friend Tayler sent me a long page text message reminding me how good our friendship really is. And she reminded me that no matter what she is there. When you feel like people are constantly leaving its good to know that someone isn't. 

I feel like this day has been turning more and more into the right direction. 

This is where Chase comes in. I know if I need something I can go to him. And he is there. He sent me a message reminding me how much my Heavenly Father loves me. And how I am a daughter of god. I haven't felt the spirit in almost a year. But tonight I felt heavenly father right by my side. And so the affect of that was me crying more. Hahahaha but of course not in a bad way. I cant express my gratitude to him. Because to have the feeling of heavenly father right by you is describable. Especially when you are at your lowest. 

Tonight I found my band. My band that connects to me and makes me feel. Tonight I was reminded that I have my best friend there. Tonight I found my path to heavenly father. And tonight I lost all hatred for anything I ever had, except for when people don't signal. That still bothers me:)

I am challenging myself to a few things:

• 1. Be more positive.
• 2. Find one good thing in every bad situation that comes you way.
• 3. Say one compliment to at least 5 people you talk too each day. Especially one's you don't normally like. You can say it to them or just think it in your head.
• 4. Smile.
• 5. Pray more.
• 6. Stop swearing.
• 7. Live a more healthy lifestyle. (eat better, exercise)
• 8. Compliment yourself every morning.
• 9. Read at least one scripture every night.
• 10. Have faith.

**I challenge you to any of these that you lack in! It would mean a lot to me if you would try them for at least 2 weeks and tell me how it has changed or helped you in any way! (Put a comment below or simply email me!) And if you have any positive out comes then keep it up!!!**

Also listen to music because as I have been saying all night, "People can't fix you but music can." it makes my life a lot easier, and helped me in many many ways. Especially Augustana ;)

Thank you so much everyone who has been there for me in the darkest times. And thank you especially those who have been there today. I love you all sooooo much and thank you Heavenly Father for being there even when I was in doubt. Oh and thanks to Kels and Mom for bringing me doughnuts to make me happy!!! I love you all thanks for reading!

AND DON'T FORGET TO CHALLENGE YOURSELF!!!

Be True

Be You

Be Beautiful

Oh and good job to my school West Lake for trying to be a better school! Keep it up guys we will be a better student body soon enough!!!

 Also please pray for my friends dad to have a fast and good recovery he got in a bad accident and he needs all the prayers he can get!!! Thank you so much!!!
There is a HUGE bake sale going on to help them out: Please check it out!
(Link below)
***** BAKE SALE *****

Song of the day:

Picture of the day: (Thanks to Chase it is now my phone background!)

Oh hey and guess what! I saw Chandi today at smiths! AND tomorrow me and Ben are going album shopping! Yay:)

But wait

You cant not like these funny little clips.You just can't not.

Everyone needs to dance:

Everyone needs a cat:

Everyone needs a hot guy:

And everyone needs this:

The cheesy thing called love

**Warning. Super long post**

Love. One of the most simple words. Yet one of the hardest things to say.  The worst and best thing that could ever happen to you. Now I know I may be a hopeless romantic and over time I have become hard towards "love" but some how I have managed to become one of the happiest humans on the planet because I found love. Over time I built a tall tall wall around my heart. I locked it up and kept it away from anything. I had at one point thought I was in "love." May sound dumb when I am only in high school but I grew an attachment to someone that I thought would be around for a long time. But I got hurt. And I didn't know how to handle myself with anyone. I didn't know how to trust anyone. Now I am not putting any blame on anyone, because we both made mistakes. But it still was hard for me to move on. Then one day I woke up and realized that I had something better there. Something that could help me. SOMEONE who could heal my little bruised up heart. I honestly was terrified to let someone in. And I didn't want to take the chance and have something go wrong and lose my best friend. But I did. And I couldn't be happier to of made that decision. I honestly gave up on the idea of being happy in that way. I always told myself that there would be a chance that I would be alone for a very long time. And I was okay with that. I'm not saying you have to have another person in your life to make you happy because no one will come into your life in that way until you are happy with yourself. But I waited and I finally got what I had been secretly wishing for.

 (Now I am sorry I am being one of those cheesy girls who talks about her lover boy but sometimes I can't help it.)

I wanted to talk about my best friend, the boy who healed me and made me forget about every bad thing that happened to me in the past, the kid who has stopped me from giving up. I want to talk about Jeremy Peterson. And I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for everything you have done for me because I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for you. Because before I was fighting a battle within myself. And I was lost. But you took my hand and you started to lead me down a better road. So thank you. 

Now guys. Can I just say hes pretty great. I mean not only is he freakishly attractive, but he treats me right. He is my best friend and he is my boy twin. Weird right? But its true he acts just like me. And he finishes my sentences and thinks the same things I do (really scary most of the time). I just have grown to love...LOVE. And I have forgiven my past. And I have learned to accept the person I am. I don't wake up with a hatred for the world. (which is weird considering how he actually hates everyone...not really...but still) My parents also actually like him. Like a LOT, that's a first for any guy I have ever liked. Especially my dad. Its the weirdest thing but I have to have my dads approval on a guy. I guess you could say that's cute....He's liked by basically my whole family. 

I use to talk about how I hated love and how I didn't believe in it. But then my friend's Caela and Darek just made me SO mad because they are the cutest couple and secretly I was jealous. I also always talked about how much I hated Valentines day. I have never ever had a good one. I still think its a worthless dumb holiday but I now have a tolerance for it. This year everything was a surprise. I dressed up in a fancy outfit and sat patiently in my living room. I was actually kind of nervous. Which is weird considering it was just a date with Jeremy and I spend every day with him...but for some reason I was FREAKING out. Then I hear a knock and in walks in a super stud dressed in a nice little suit with red tulips (because I HATE roses and think they are tacky and cliche) and a big red heart box of chocolates (dying because I have an addiction to chocolate) Then of course I make my mom be awkward and take funny pictures of us outside and with my sisters. Then we were off! We ended up at Olive Garden one of my favorite restaurants. We had a super cool waiter and I ran into one of my dear friends Haley Lindley! She looked adorable. After dinner we went back to his house and we both changed out of our fancy clothes cause me and heels just do NOT work out. Then we drove around in the weirdest places talking and listening to music till we ended up on a hill over looking the city lights and we rolled down all the windows and opened the sun roof and looked at the stars. We sat there for about 3 hours talking about everything and anything possible. And can I say the best feeling is being able to talk to someone and never run out of things to say. And when you have a silence it's not awkward or weird. Anyway, we were talking when next thing we know this car pulls up and just sits there. In front of us....for about 5 minutes. Jeremy turned on his lights and then the dude started to drive away. Then Jeremy had to get curious and started to follow him. We followed him for about 10 minutes till finally it was almost curfew. It was just some weird old dude. Now I know it wasn't much but it was perfect for me. It was chill and not super crazy which is what I prefer.

I just want to tell everyone that there is someone out there for you. I am a perfect example. Someone who has liked guy's and had them never work out no matter how hard I tried to get them to last, they simply just weren't supposed too. I don't regret anyone I was "with" because they made me who I was and now they are happy with people they deserve and I am too. But no one will come into your life until you learn to love yourself. And until you learn to accept the "single" life. You need to be okay with you and just you. And when you are that's when someone will come into your life. I wish all you guys luck. And I can't wait for the day that you all find that person that you finally deserve. Thanks for reading my cheesy love post. I love you all!

Be True

Be You

Be Beautiful

Songs of the day:

A song that comes on EVERY TIME that we are driving in my car:

 Our inside joke:

 There are more but I don't remember them all...

Pictures (your favorite part): 

OUR FIRST PICTURE AWE CUTE

Wait mega hot kid:

 Valentines day (even though they are already everywhere):

 Perfect.

WAIT HERE ARE MORE:

Had to laugh (too much cute)

Kay im done now, bye.

Wreck it; High school living and teenage singing

How can ONE person make such a big impact on you.

I have never been able to fully understand that. We are all the fake-st living things that god has ever created. And we find it hard to find something, anything real in this life. I never will understand why it is this way. I don't see why one person has the need or desire to hurt another person, or lie, or make something fall down. I have never understood a humans desire to see pain in someone else's eyes. Because not only do other people screw us up but lets face it we screw ourselves over too. We usually are smart enough to take ourselves out of painful situations yet we don't. Its like the abuse is addicting? I just noiuehfoiewfwnfwjr3208ryu2hoa!!!!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
But. Anyway.

My two biggest pet peeves are

1.) When someone will lie, or sugar coat something because they want to spare you the pain. 

OR

2.) When someone judges you before they get to know you.

I am a person. And I deserve a chance to show someone what I am capable of being. 

When someone hates me for no reason, all that does is make me want to lock what I really am deep inside. So that no one can really see the person that I am. Because if they hate the "fake" me then why would they like the "real" me? Kind of teenage like, but its hard to live past someones "thoughts" of you.

High school is so full of crap.

Because this is when you experience this the most. Everyday people walk around in a different skin hoping to live up to someone else's expectations of them. Its kinda like that really gross thing in supernatural that just changes their identity. Shape shifter! That's what it was. Anyways, that's basically what I feel like we are. We never actually are pure to our OWN person. We kinda cheat our way through life. Never putting ourselves out there because we are too scared of rejection, and pain. Which sucks because no one should ever make us feel like we can't be what we really are. I have always had problems accepting myself for everything I am because I haven't had much of a chance to actually show people what I am. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I have been at war with my own mind because of people constantly pushing me back in. I hate the feeling knowing that I haven't been good enough not just for someone else but for myself. Sometimes I want to put someone in my shoes...and myself in theirs. Just so I could get a better understanding of a person. 

Sorry.

I have a lot rambling in my mind.

All I know is high school life is hard and we all are teenagers singing the same song but we cant seem to harmonize.

Kay.

I am done rambling on.

Goodbye my fellow readers

I love you all!

Be True

Be You

Be Beautiful

Picture of the day:

Song of the day:

 Oh yeah. And I hate how cold it is.

Oh and I hate how I dont have my new camera yet.

Or how I am behind on credits.

Or how people suck.

Or how I never have enough food.

Or how I am going on and on about nothing.

Oh and I need new clothes.

Kay I am done for real this time.

Bye.

 Twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder what you are.

Rant

I cant explain it. This feeling I have. School has been crazy. And life has been running way too fast for me. I don't think I can remember the last time I actually felt like I could just relax. I don't know how to LIVE anymore. Honest and truly I don't know what to DO anymore. Its like I never get the chance to breathe when everything keeps getting shoved down my throat. Its almost graduation and its freaking me out. I feel like I am about to die or something when I know im not. I honestly have no idea what life is going to bring me after high school. I have been in the same routine since I was a little kid. Always gotten up at the same time, gotten ready for the same things. Everything has been on repeat. But now its like im playing a whole new song. I am freaking out too! School hasn't ever been my best subject in life. In fact im behind on graduation. (not so fun) That's part of whats bringing me down. Its a constant battle with my inner self trying to convince myself that im not a total failure and that I can do it.  School sucks and I hate it. The end to that rant.

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! Or just who reads this.

OH yeah and i'm trying to be super good at having school spirit...
SO KIDS!
At Westlake....
Everyone go to the State cross country meet tomorrow!
It is 2$ to ride the bus up there and it leaves at 12! It would be super awesome to have as many kids as we can to support our awesome team!
THEN!
(yes it gets better)
There is a fundraising CHOIR CONCERT that night at 7! For 5$!!!
So peeps I know you want to come watch us dance and sing like crazy kids!!
Please be there for these things! It would mean a lot to all the kids who have been working hard for it!!!
THANKS!!!

Sometimes

Sometimes things happen and you don't know why. You don't want them too. You don't get why they did. You question everything. And after all the thinking and over analyzing and criticizing your suddenly drawing blanks. You suddenly are numb. I am numb. I am scared. I am alone. And I don't know why. All I know is that I want to run away. So terribly far away till I know nothing except my name. Till I have nothing except a bag, myself, my camera and god. I want to do something so crazy that I wont even have time for 20 seconds of insane courage. Something that has to happen right then and there. I am now in the point of my life where I don't believe anything anyone says. I don't trust anyone. I just love them but don't let them love me. Because I wont be staying long. I think when I lost "you". I did lose part of me. But I also gained a new me.
But that doesn't make me sad. That makes me excited to see what I have to find. I mean I am terrified everyday that I wake because I don't know what the day holds for me. But that fear is what keeps me going. That fear is what reminds me that I have to keep going in order to discover new things. I am so scared of being alone but I think its time that I learn how to do it. I have depended too much on people and now I am just going to depend on me and heavenly father. I know that I am not perfect and that I am certainly more to handle then most people. But I need to find people who will accept that. Because I am already broken and I don't need people breaking me even more. This is me, trying to make a better me. I just hope that people can accept that. Sorry for ranting. I'm done now.

K bye.

Be True

Be You

Be Beautiful

Stuff:

Haaaa wow I just realized how awkwardly bipolar these pictures are...blaahh oh well I liked em.

Oh...and my break was SUPER awesome...except minus a few things that I could of lived without. But besides those....IT ROCKED. WAAAAAHHOOOOOO.